Life is a Game...

I had good time watching my children playing chess. On watching the game i could connect on the game and life together. The game is to win the battle and keep the King protected. Players protect him to extent that even they are ready to lose the Queen for it. Queen seems to be most talented in the whole group, but for the sake of King's safety, Nobody can be spared! 

While connecting with Life.... I had few reflections... reflections are contradictory but yet I feel every relections adds value in a thought process and understanding .. 

1. Why should always King get prme importance, though you have Queen who is actual leader and  exercises all her power to stands in front to protect her kingdom!(Both in Life and Game)!

2. When Victory/Success is seen as important, we may lose all our loved ones (Losing does bot necessarily be losing of lfe, we concentrate on victory which eventually moves us far from family and its togetherness) Is victory more important than loved ones...? 

3. In many instances we act on wrong directions without even questioning (as the knight or queen or bishop move forward on king's instruction without understanding on the risk of the act and loss)... All the competence and skills gets wasted not because of the Leader but because of our decision of being silent and following the wrong instructions. 

4. Leader at most instance need to stay behind the battle and play a role of master mind in directing the team. 

5. Many a times the Lead/Head may not be technically competent(as King), but is if he has a good supportive partner and team he can succeed. 

Both Life and the Chess has similarity. All my reflections does not connect at a time but with various aspect of life at various time frames...

We can decide on how should we win... whether to lose all my loved ones for the sake of game/life or strike a balance.... Finally it's our Game/Life

Just Talk!

I thought confidence to talk needs some expertise and knowledge to do that. My daughter broke my
theory!

My daughter 'Vosaana' is An Year and 4 month old. She is in process of learning to talk and to understand our language.
Yesterday she spoke to me for more than 5 min, She was telling me something which I could hardly interpret or understand. She didn't even know that I could not understand her. She was interested in conveying her thoughts. I could feel her confidence to talk.

She made me to think in following grounds.
If she thinks of how I take it or what would I understand or what would I think of her if she were wrong then she would have never spoke to me or even she would never talk in the future too.

Thanks to the Nature that doesn't give those thoughts and feelings to children when they in their early childhood.

But when we grow we are taught to be right and never to do mistake because when we do mistakes our Self Image would be affected. Soon the learning process goes slow. Whenever there is need to talk our Self Image comes into picture and there is every chance of being speechless to preserve our
Self Image.

We can pretend that we are preserving our image by being speech less but actual inner self gets severe blows every time when we keep shut.

Choice is ours!

My daughter is my Guru who gave me the Insights!

Hurt

My friend hurts me
My parents hurt me
My sibblings hurt me
My wife, my kid, my relatives hurt me!

What is this hurt? Why it hurts me lot!

Inferior Dreams!

My mind says I am inferior! I am not competent to x, y, z! I started sobbing, depressing myself.

When I ask back whom I am inferior of? Where do you think I have to improve? How do you want me to be?

It says to all, in all areas, like every other!

It compares me with every one, for everything. Anyway I should be inferior to somebody in one or other things. But it doesn’t accept it. It compares with all possible.

I see my mom in new way. She compares me with others. Whether that guy is of my class or a level above or even below; she never cares about it. She needs their excellence in me. It has become so habitual that when my mom took back seat my mind started playing her part.

There is other guy within me who tries to help me and protect me from my mind. So he drags me apart from the reality.

He takes me to the dream world, where I am the superior. I would be the hero; all others are inferior to me. I am confident, competent, and would be in position where I can take charge of others.

I love to be there, and slowly start living there; I am totally isolated from real life.

When I realize that I am in my dreams and woke up I see myself left behind and inferior. Again my mind starts blaming me!

Can I start dreaming again to catch up with me?

Love at First Sight!

Every boy’s love starts at his school life, this is my belief. Many of them including me love their teacher who would be the first lady other than his mother who inspires him through their special concern, love and affection.

My first love is with my mathematics teacher Revathy***. She was so beautiful, loving, caring and affectionate, I feel smile in my face and elated heart when these memories peeps in.

I did lots to get her appreciation; solved many of my mathematic problems, would ask for more doubts, would sit in front row near her feet (we had no class rooms so we had to sit in ground and teacher would be sitting in chair in front of us); all to grab her attention and to get her appreciation.

When I rewind now I see myself funny, foolish! But I have to acknowledge that there was some search, longing within me which made me to act funny.

Deep inside was a longing for ideal love, ideal care, ideal affection which we got to know from our grandma stories. Some way in life stories remain only stories, so the longing remains inside which results in continual search for people around us who can fit to those roles. To me she was the ideal person.

Where is the problem, is it in those stories or in me?

Any way we need such pleasant memories to look back…

Love!!!

I am confused of what is love all about. is it giving or is it getting.

When i give am hurt, when i get i am being hurt.

Even after my love marriage i dont know what is love?

I want to stay connected, she wants to stay in touch.

For this silly reason we argue, fight, again love each other.

I would continue my silence when i get a critical question

"Do you really love me?"

Kiddy Attempt

I remember about my childhood suicide attempt. When i was 9 or ten year old i was very unhappy because to me it looked like my mom loved her daughter and not me. She often used to scold me. So i took it in that way and decided to suicide.

One way at that age i know was having "kalli Pal".
There was mixed emotion within me, fear of death and wanting to live. But my small mind too had ego! So it decided to take the doze. But instead of "kalli pal" i took "Arali pal". I thought it is a substitute also my inner said i should not die. At last my attempt failed as i dint die.

My next mission was to run away from home. Reason was very serious, i was denying my dinner and my mom forced to have it. That's where i decided i would leave my home as it was too much... i could not even have liberty to skip my dinner!!! I just said i am going out now and started walking out of my house. Again a fear came and i was afraid of outer world.
But my ego dint allow to stay back. So i walked, but slowly because i wished my mom would come and take me back. I was right. I dint even cross my street, my mom ran towards me and took me back.

I am now here to laugh at what i did, i can realize that i was wrong. But many kids are past it.They decide to kill themselves for such a penny things and lose their precious lives. We are here to make them live. But we teach them how to die through media or as a living examples. We pass comments like 'its hard to live', 'i struggled a lot to live', 'i fought for my bread' After hearing and seeing they feel killing self is easy than living.

And another worst thing now is I got my parents with me when i attempted to run away or die or what ever. But unfortunately many kids are alone in their home as both of their parents are working.

So while killing their time they kill themselves too.