My friend hurts me
My parents hurt me
My sibblings hurt me
My wife, my kid, my relatives hurt me!
What is this hurt? Why it hurts me lot!
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Inferior Dreams!
My mind says I am inferior! I am not competent to x, y, z! I started sobbing, depressing myself.
When I ask back whom I am inferior of? Where do you think I have to improve? How do you want me to be?
It says to all, in all areas, like every other!
It compares me with every one, for everything. Anyway I should be inferior to somebody in one or other things. But it doesn’t accept it. It compares with all possible.
I see my mom in new way. She compares me with others. Whether that guy is of my class or a level above or even below; she never cares about it. She needs their excellence in me. It has become so habitual that when my mom took back seat my mind started playing her part.
There is other guy within me who tries to help me and protect me from my mind. So he drags me apart from the reality.
He takes me to the dream world, where I am the superior. I would be the hero; all others are inferior to me. I am confident, competent, and would be in position where I can take charge of others.
I love to be there, and slowly start living there; I am totally isolated from real life.
When I realize that I am in my dreams and woke up I see myself left behind and inferior. Again my mind starts blaming me!
Can I start dreaming again to catch up with me?
When I ask back whom I am inferior of? Where do you think I have to improve? How do you want me to be?
It says to all, in all areas, like every other!
It compares me with every one, for everything. Anyway I should be inferior to somebody in one or other things. But it doesn’t accept it. It compares with all possible.
I see my mom in new way. She compares me with others. Whether that guy is of my class or a level above or even below; she never cares about it. She needs their excellence in me. It has become so habitual that when my mom took back seat my mind started playing her part.
There is other guy within me who tries to help me and protect me from my mind. So he drags me apart from the reality.
He takes me to the dream world, where I am the superior. I would be the hero; all others are inferior to me. I am confident, competent, and would be in position where I can take charge of others.
I love to be there, and slowly start living there; I am totally isolated from real life.
When I realize that I am in my dreams and woke up I see myself left behind and inferior. Again my mind starts blaming me!
Can I start dreaming again to catch up with me?
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Love at First Sight!
Every boy’s love starts at his school life, this is my belief. Many of them including me love their teacher who would be the first lady other than his mother who inspires him through their special concern, love and affection.
My first love is with my mathematics teacher Revathy***. She was so beautiful, loving, caring and affectionate, I feel smile in my face and elated heart when these memories peeps in.
I did lots to get her appreciation; solved many of my mathematic problems, would ask for more doubts, would sit in front row near her feet (we had no class rooms so we had to sit in ground and teacher would be sitting in chair in front of us); all to grab her attention and to get her appreciation.
When I rewind now I see myself funny, foolish! But I have to acknowledge that there was some search, longing within me which made me to act funny.
Deep inside was a longing for ideal love, ideal care, ideal affection which we got to know from our grandma stories. Some way in life stories remain only stories, so the longing remains inside which results in continual search for people around us who can fit to those roles. To me she was the ideal person.
Where is the problem, is it in those stories or in me?
Any way we need such pleasant memories to look back…
My first love is with my mathematics teacher Revathy***. She was so beautiful, loving, caring and affectionate, I feel smile in my face and elated heart when these memories peeps in.
I did lots to get her appreciation; solved many of my mathematic problems, would ask for more doubts, would sit in front row near her feet (we had no class rooms so we had to sit in ground and teacher would be sitting in chair in front of us); all to grab her attention and to get her appreciation.
When I rewind now I see myself funny, foolish! But I have to acknowledge that there was some search, longing within me which made me to act funny.
Deep inside was a longing for ideal love, ideal care, ideal affection which we got to know from our grandma stories. Some way in life stories remain only stories, so the longing remains inside which results in continual search for people around us who can fit to those roles. To me she was the ideal person.
Where is the problem, is it in those stories or in me?
Any way we need such pleasant memories to look back…
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Love!!!
I am confused of what is love all about. is it giving or is it getting.
When i give am hurt, when i get i am being hurt.
Even after my love marriage i dont know what is love?
I want to stay connected, she wants to stay in touch.
For this silly reason we argue, fight, again love each other.
I would continue my silence when i get a critical question
"Do you really love me?"
When i give am hurt, when i get i am being hurt.
Even after my love marriage i dont know what is love?
I want to stay connected, she wants to stay in touch.
For this silly reason we argue, fight, again love each other.
I would continue my silence when i get a critical question
"Do you really love me?"
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Kiddy Attempt
I remember about my childhood suicide attempt. When i was 9 or ten year old i was very unhappy because to me it looked like my mom loved her daughter and not me. She often used to scold me. So i took it in that way and decided to suicide.
One way at that age i know was having "kalli Pal".
There was mixed emotion within me, fear of death and wanting to live. But my small mind too had ego! So it decided to take the doze. But instead of "kalli pal" i took "Arali pal". I thought it is a substitute also my inner said i should not die. At last my attempt failed as i dint die.
My next mission was to run away from home. Reason was very serious, i was denying my dinner and my mom forced to have it. That's where i decided i would leave my home as it was too much... i could not even have liberty to skip my dinner!!! I just said i am going out now and started walking out of my house. Again a fear came and i was afraid of outer world.
But my ego dint allow to stay back. So i walked, but slowly because i wished my mom would come and take me back. I was right. I dint even cross my street, my mom ran towards me and took me back.
I am now here to laugh at what i did, i can realize that i was wrong. But many kids are past it.They decide to kill themselves for such a penny things and lose their precious lives. We are here to make them live. But we teach them how to die through media or as a living examples. We pass comments like 'its hard to live', 'i struggled a lot to live', 'i fought for my bread' After hearing and seeing they feel killing self is easy than living.
And another worst thing now is I got my parents with me when i attempted to run away or die or what ever. But unfortunately many kids are alone in their home as both of their parents are working.
So while killing their time they kill themselves too.
One way at that age i know was having "kalli Pal".
There was mixed emotion within me, fear of death and wanting to live. But my small mind too had ego! So it decided to take the doze. But instead of "kalli pal" i took "Arali pal". I thought it is a substitute also my inner said i should not die. At last my attempt failed as i dint die.
My next mission was to run away from home. Reason was very serious, i was denying my dinner and my mom forced to have it. That's where i decided i would leave my home as it was too much... i could not even have liberty to skip my dinner!!! I just said i am going out now and started walking out of my house. Again a fear came and i was afraid of outer world.
But my ego dint allow to stay back. So i walked, but slowly because i wished my mom would come and take me back. I was right. I dint even cross my street, my mom ran towards me and took me back.
I am now here to laugh at what i did, i can realize that i was wrong. But many kids are past it.They decide to kill themselves for such a penny things and lose their precious lives. We are here to make them live. But we teach them how to die through media or as a living examples. We pass comments like 'its hard to live', 'i struggled a lot to live', 'i fought for my bread' After hearing and seeing they feel killing self is easy than living.
And another worst thing now is I got my parents with me when i attempted to run away or die or what ever. But unfortunately many kids are alone in their home as both of their parents are working.
So while killing their time they kill themselves too.
Monday, October 12, 2009
I DON'T LIKE
I wish to watch the changes that happens within a child when he grows. So that in way i can see myself.
I have a nephew who is of three year. I occationally play with him and observe him enjoying it and also his reactions which gives me joy and also lots of insights.
Recently I was playing with him, while playing I just threw him in air and caught him. The words he said was so shocking to me. He said “Mama, don’t do this to me, I am afraid”
When I did this when he was 2 or less he would ask me to repeat till I get tired. Now he says he is afraid.
Where does this fear come from?
After deep search I got an answer which I was ok with.
When he started to go out of home, we also started telling him about being cautious about strangers, new things, new happenings so that by the way he becomes more aware, more prepared to meet the new world.
Now as a result of that i see that he came to a conclusion that even believing his uncle is not fair.
Did we mean it?
But I am proud of him because he was bold enought to say that he was afraid. I would never say that.
He was bold enough to accept his fear.
Now i am waiting for the day to arive! The day when the guy would say to me 'mama don’t do it to me “I don’t like it”'.
I have a nephew who is of three year. I occationally play with him and observe him enjoying it and also his reactions which gives me joy and also lots of insights.
Recently I was playing with him, while playing I just threw him in air and caught him. The words he said was so shocking to me. He said “Mama, don’t do this to me, I am afraid”
When I did this when he was 2 or less he would ask me to repeat till I get tired. Now he says he is afraid.
Where does this fear come from?
After deep search I got an answer which I was ok with.
When he started to go out of home, we also started telling him about being cautious about strangers, new things, new happenings so that by the way he becomes more aware, more prepared to meet the new world.
Now as a result of that i see that he came to a conclusion that even believing his uncle is not fair.
Did we mean it?
But I am proud of him because he was bold enought to say that he was afraid. I would never say that.
He was bold enough to accept his fear.
Now i am waiting for the day to arive! The day when the guy would say to me 'mama don’t do it to me “I don’t like it”'.
Friday, September 18, 2009
DEAR UNCLE
Dear uncle!
My name is Susu; I am studying my 4th standard. Uncle I am confused of all happening here can you clarify it to me?
Yesterday it rained uncle, I did see lot of gap between the rain drops, Uncle can we move between the gaps, turn right and left and go without getting wet?
I was going out with mom in rain uncle, she was holding an umbrella. I asked her why to hold it, she said rain is bad and we will catch fever, but many times I heard her saying we are not getting enough rain and its hot outside.
When we were walking a car came and splashed water over us. I was so happy. The car went very fast, I could not ask for it again. But mom, scolded that car, I don’t know why.
Evening I went to shop with my dad, I was jumping out of joy to go to shop but he was not happy at all. He scolded mom for asking him to go to the shop.
In the shop I found many chocolates, but the shop keep never ate one. When I ask one he looks at my dad. He has to eat or he should give it to me!
Uncle I am so confused. Can you help me to understand?
With love
Susu
My name is Susu; I am studying my 4th standard. Uncle I am confused of all happening here can you clarify it to me?
Yesterday it rained uncle, I did see lot of gap between the rain drops, Uncle can we move between the gaps, turn right and left and go without getting wet?
I was going out with mom in rain uncle, she was holding an umbrella. I asked her why to hold it, she said rain is bad and we will catch fever, but many times I heard her saying we are not getting enough rain and its hot outside.
When we were walking a car came and splashed water over us. I was so happy. The car went very fast, I could not ask for it again. But mom, scolded that car, I don’t know why.
Evening I went to shop with my dad, I was jumping out of joy to go to shop but he was not happy at all. He scolded mom for asking him to go to the shop.
In the shop I found many chocolates, but the shop keep never ate one. When I ask one he looks at my dad. He has to eat or he should give it to me!
Uncle I am so confused. Can you help me to understand?
With love
Susu
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
